


Because you love him too much

by nazaninbooknerd



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Begging, Break Up, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Kissing, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, POV Second Person, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Sad, Sad Alec, Sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 09:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18496135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazaninbooknerd/pseuds/nazaninbooknerd
Summary: When your last kiss with the love of your life, is one you can't even have.





	Because you love him too much

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me trying to get all my feelings over the malec break up out. I was just so overwhelmed i didn't know what to do.
> 
> But i really like how it turned out :)  
> Hope you enjoy!

There is really no going back from standing in front of the love of your life, looking into his eyes and telling him you don't love him anymore.  
Tell him that his spark, that even now is blinding, is gone.  
It takes everything you have and everything you are to keep looking at him, to not break down. And when you hear the tears in your last word, you think he is never going to buy this. But then you see it in his eyes, the flicker of doubt. He is thinking if you didn't mean what you said just a few days ago, did you ever mean all the other things you told him? All the times you said you loved him?  
You can't believe that he can feel unsure. But by now you should know, when it comes to you everything is different. When it comes to you he questions everything, even himself.  
You duck your head and start walking away before you fall apart. You pass him and you want to think that it's over, that you've done it. But then you hear his small voice and feel his hand on your arm. You can't make the mistake of looking at him again, so you just stand there. His hands are on your cheeks, fingers laced through your hair. It evokes such a sudden and intense wave of memory, visions of magnus on top of you, his hands stroking your hair while your head is resting on his chest, the feel of his metal rings on your face, softened by his lips trailing kisses  along your cheekbone.  
You can barely hear what he is saying. The thump thump of your heart is filling all your being. But you can hear enough. He is telling you all the things you already know. And you can't help but hear asmodeus in your head "you are the source of his suffering" after all,Magnus had everything he now has lost before he met you. Deep down you know the prince of hell is wrong, but you choose to believe him in that moment. It might hurt just a little bit less that way. When you feel his breath on your lips, it's the strangest feeling. The sudden and deeply instinctive urge to just lock your lips into his, shocks you out of all your thoughts. It's so strong that you inch back, and it feels like a betrayal, even to you. But magnus is not giving up, he must be standing on his tiptoes as his lips reach yours and it's the best and the worst thing you could have hoped for. His face is so close to yours, and so is his body. His lips are so very soft on yours, but yet forceful, begging you to give in. When he pulls back you feel like you have won the biggest challenge of your life. You didn't kiss him back. But then as you start to feel like you can do this, he kisses you again. This time harder, and you lose your mind and open your lips just a friction. "He will grow to resent you" and you stop. You stand there and take it all. The way magnus is begging with his lips, calling out to you, to the alec he knows and loves to come out of this hard armour of anger and cruelty you have put on, and smile at him, and look at him with all the love you feel.  
His thumb is running circles on your cheek, fingers pressing to your neck. Your last kiss with the love of your life is one you can't even have. But if it's all you can have, you should cherish every moment. Savour the perfect touch of his goatee on your face, those soft lips you know so well trying to take an answer out of you.  
Not kissing him is a greater pain than you could ever imagine. This has been your bliss, your heaven for what feels like all your life. And now, you have to run from it. But it's a feeling you are too familiar with, running into darkness to protect the people you love. To give them what they want. This is for him, you remind yourself, all for him.  
You are still not looking, but his beautiful face in pain is forever etched into your mind. When he asks you to stay, tears rush into your eyes, you wanna fall to your knees right there and tell him that you could never leave him. Tell him about the deal and his father, be the selfish person he said you are. The person you wish you were as his heart-wrenching whisper fills the little space between you.

You know this is it, you have to end it now. Or you can never walk out of here having completed your end of the deal.  
His head is cocked to the side, you can feel his breath coming and going in short inhales on your neck. You keep reminding yourself that he will be happy after this, he will get what he wanted, what will make him happy like you couldn't. You feel his hands shaking as you pull back. Saying you are sorry cannot even begin to compensate for what you have done, but you do it anyway. It feels like you are saying it more to yourself, as misery slowly starts to feel you up as your body leaves the warmth of magnus', now forever just a memory. This was it, your one shot at true love. The beautiful love of your life. But even now your happiness seems like a small price to pay for his. Anything is,really.  
So you leave him there, the part of you that fit like a perfect puzzle piece. The missing part of your soul, your heaven on earth. You leave him as he stands there staring at his shaking hands and the broken pieces of his heart on the floor. The heart he wore on his sleeve and offered to you. You can only hope that he doesn't see your heart among the peices too.  
  
Halloween seems like an ironically perfect holiday for the occasion. You feel like you are in a bad costume yourself, telling the biggest lie of your life to the man you most love. It's still unbelievable that he bought it, you wish he continues to believe you are selfish. That he hates you, maybe he will hurt less then.  
You walk the still decorated streets of the city, still in a sort of a trans, having no decided destination. It's not like you have anywhere to go. Magnus has somehow rewritten all the memories you have made over 20 something years in just a few months. Even the institute, even your childhood room.  
Finally you stumble into a dark alley. Not caring where you are or who is there. The moment your back touches the cold concrete wall, you fall. Before you know it, your head is on your knees, and tears are all you see. This pain is so strong that it's numbing you. Your body's pathetic way of running away from the harsh truth. But you can't even live in your own body when every inch of it screams HIM. your shaking hands are the ones he held, your burning eyes are the ones he stared into, Your wet cheeks are the ones he kissed.  
And everything is flashing before your eyes. Golden skin, gleaming rings, eyes almost closed when he laughs, soft touches, yearning kisses, his perfect weight on your body, his heartbeat as you lie on his chest...  
And you scream. You scream into the dark night untill it breaks into a sob. Your whole body shaking with the sheer force of it.  
And you know there is no getting over this, you will be forever broken. is that too much of a price to pay? The way your mind doesn't hesitate for a beat even shocks you. No it's not. For him no price is too much.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are very much appreciated ^_^


End file.
